365 of 365.

2113 hours: Hey guys, it's New Year's Eve! Yeap, you guys guessed it. I'm at home alone with my maid only. My parents have line dance jamming while my brother's out with his friends. I'm fine, really. Not really jealous or anything. Staying at home is nice, too. I'm not joking just to cover my sadness or whatever. Sure, partying and all those countdown outside looks like fun but staying at home and preparing for the new year is okay too. All those social stuff can come next time when I finally have a driving's licence, right?

I spent my morning doing some tuition homework, reorganised my tuition books and prepared some stuff for school that's starting on the 2nd of January! I'm kind of excited for school to reopen. Kind of. Everything will sweep by in a blur and when you know it, Chinese New Year will be here. Then I can wear all my new clothes already hahaha. But, y'know la. Some clothes in my closet, I've never even touched before. Buy and didn't wear. Girls, kan? Heh. 

I started my new diet officially yesterday. A sudden thought when I was shopping in Sunway Pyramid with my mum last Saturday made me want to lose weight. I have a thermos right next to me right now that's filled with chinese tea hahah. Only water and chinese tea is allowed to drink during my diet hahah. I'm in this for the long-run. Really. I resisted all the temptations when I went to the Setia Alam Pasar Malam that day. I also resisted the tasty fried "hae kor" and only ate the bihun. I ate salad yesterday and scrambled eggs with wholemeal bread today. Just now dinner also bayam soup with fish meat and tofu. It's not easy, but I can really feel the strength course through me. I want to do this. I'm going to continue with my exercises. Running on the spot, stationary cycling and sit-ups. I really wanna do this. :)

Across 2013, and at the edge of it, I still feel like I have no friends. That sad feeling, really. Halfway through the year, I told myself I can do stuffs on my own. Friends are not really important. Then now, I suddenly realise, I don't want to continue friend-less anymore. Life is tough. I want to share stories with my friends. I want to care more about them. I realise now why I have so less friends: I have attitude problem. I'm bad-tempered, self-opinionated, and inconsiderate. I'm not saying I'm all bad, but I do have my downside. I want to start to smile more. Be a better friend - and a better person - to all. No one says this is gonna be easy, but I'm going to try. I really miss my friends. 

Of course all of you know, I was in my first relationship this year, but my blog don't know so bear with me, okay? I guess my brother was right. When we went on our first date in Setia City Mall, he went back with his parents and I had dinner with my brother. My brother actually guessed right that I went dating hahah. Then my brother told me, “是这样的。前面前面你当然很爽，因为你第一次吗。第一次有人对你说他喜欢你，你一定很开心的吗。中学的恋爱就是谈来拿经验的。去谈啦。” Of course, that time I told him that mine will be different. Mine will last forever. I believe in that and went on to be in a relationship with him. We were happy in the first few days, for sure. We text, we talked. I didn't know what happened, but I smiled often from then on. When I'm in class, I'll just suddenly get a goofy grin on my face and my friends will just look at me like I'm crazy. I wanted that to last forever, and I had faith that it would. I trust that any problem can be resolve, just as long as we still love each other and we talk it out. When I get jealous, I tell him. When I'm busy, I tell him. When I'm sad, I tell him. I slowly begin to realise, he wasn't doing the same. I start to ask him, was I doing something wrong? I apologised for being too clingy, but I only did what I had because we were together. I thought, as a couple, you were supposed to be there for one another, to share your likes and dislikes, how was your day and et cetera. He just answered me nonchalantly that he's fine. I wanted to trust him, so I did. I went on like how we were the first few days. Slowly we were almost to one month. My friends say the first month anniversary is very important! I became frantic. I didn't know what to do. I thought and rethought. I ended up making a card and brownies for him. On the day, he got down with a fever and wasn't able to come. I was miserable, but I told him it was okay. As long as he'll receive my gift on the day. Thank you, CBS for helping me to give him. I hoped he appreciated it. I took quite a long time to finish the card, but I didn't show a sign of tiredness, because I loved him. Matters became worse after that, I did not know how, or why. I wanted to clear things up with him, but he's a hard shell to crack. I ended up crying in tuition. I felt stupid, but I was really, really heartbroken. He became distant, I tried to be more patient and considerate. I tried giving him space, I tried to let him calm down. Then things became okay for a while, but I received a message one day from him about some girl in his tuition. As a normal person, of course I was jealous. I cried and I did not know what his intention was, so I just sat at my bed, thinking. He apologised and I thought things would get better, but it was all downhill after that. He complained to his friends, and acted okay in front of me. What was I supposed to do? I was tired of making any effort. I guess I didn't want it anymore. I'm not psychic. I don't know what he wants. I just wanted to know at least he is trying to better our situation, but I couldn't see it. I couldn't. When I tried one last time and asked him to tell me what happened, he shooed me away and to leave him alone. My heart shattered into pieces, because then, I realised this wasn't going to work anymore. No, not anymore. I told his friend that I think he wants to break up with me. I was dumbfounded by his answer when he replied, "Yea, I know." I thought hard and deep, and text him the next day, “我们分手吧。”

Now, almost 4 months after our breakup, I'm still bothered by what made him this way. I tried to find excuses as to why he became colder, but I couldn't come to a conclusion. You guys might say that I'm still not over him, but for me, I think I am. Although when I'm in tuition, I do catch myself looking at him sometimes, but I know it's because I wanted to know. I wanted to know why. One day, I found courage to text him and ask whether he was angry at me, but I chickened out again. I see him looking okay, but I saw that he's changed. I guess I did too, but I don't know about myself. He has moved on and I guess I should forget about finding out why he wanted me to leave him alone. It's going to be a new year, and although it's going to be a tough one with what SPM and the rushing of teachers to finish the syllabus, I want to make it a memorable one. I know I haven't been the greatest friend, but I really want to be a better one. I can't please everyone, but making people happy, I feel good too. 

I won't be starting my new year perfectly what with homework not done, books not completed, but I want to end it my next year, in a better way. I'm starting to mature and grow. I'm starting to be more open-minded, well at least I hope I am. I really wanna get my shit together. 

Thanks for the great year. Thanks for the experience. 
Thanks for giving me life.

People often complain about their feelings, about caring too much, about regrets and mistakes. I have long found out that I want it all: the good, the bad, the fortunes, the misfortunes, the happy, the sad. I want to experience all life has to offer. I want to experience heartbreaks, so I can taste love in a sweeter way. I want to experience failures, so I can learn how to try again. Of course, some things are better left untouched. I don't want to try throwing away my future. I don't want to try running away from home. I don't want to try cheating others. If people are going to do that to me, I have no power over it, but I am one that believe, everyone is kind-hearted. Some may call it foolish, but it's just easier that way, than to keep having your guards up and shy away from people. I've experienced disappointments because of expectations like this, but I still try to get over it. As hard as it seems, at least I know I will always have a home I can come back to. I'm thankful for all of this, and I will try to be wiser. I will try to differentiate the good and the bad. But on top of all that, I'm still a kid trying to live life the way that at the end of a day, I'll be able to say that my day was not wasted.

Thanks for reading.
If I'e offended any of you, no amount of sorry is enough.
But I'm just human and I hope you forgive me.
I wish all of you nothing but happiness galore.
Go out and make some one smile.
Do something that you would be proud of after decades.
Love people and cry when it is unrequited.
Accept compliments and stop rejecting them.
Put passion above work.
To say life is short, it is not. To say life is long, it is too, not.
But, you only have one shot at life.
Stop putting so much pressure on yourself.
Just live. :)

*我不是完美的，但我会好好的。