A Long Thought, A Long Night.

突然有一种感觉想写东西。

I know most of everyone, must've thought at least once, deeply about their life, their future, what is life all about. What is our purpose in life right at the moment? What do we serve to be? Where are we heading? Is there such a thing as afterlife? Or will there be reincarnation instead?

Let's move on to these usually-teens-will-ask questions: What will my friends think when I speak like that? Will he notice if I wore this instead?

I often encounter these situations:

Situation A
Friend: Walao that teacher gave karangan oh my god must hantar tomorrow. You done already?
Me: Aiyo don't need to do wan la. Who cares!
Friend: She very strict wan leh! Rotan how?!
Me: Eh c'mon! Just don't do together la! Scare what?
Friend: Okay la okay la. You say wan ah! Don't do ah!
*The next day*
Both of us passed up the karangan.

Situation B
Friend: Eh! Holidays want do what ah?
Me: Of course we're going to go out la wth!
Friend: Hahahaha... Go where?
Me: Watch a movie? Let's watch "..."! Like very nice leh!
Friend: Ya la ya la! So hot right "..."!!! When when?
Me: Holidays only say ah.
*The night before holiday*
Me: Eh tomorrow want go watch "..."?
Friend: Uhh... Don't want la. Not free.
Me: Why?
Friend: I going out with other people. Sorry ah.
Me: Okay then.
*After 2 days*
Friend: Eh, tomorrow we go watch "..." want ah?
Me: Don't want la. I cannot go.
Friend: Okay then.
*Holidays ended*

-Actually said I cannot go because of laziness.

Situation C
Me: Eh you think that fella hot ah?
Friend: Yer... C'mon la. So ugly!
Me: Umm... Ya lo. Just asking nia ma.
Friend: You like him is it? Actually, he not bad la.
Me: Eh of course no la! So not my taste la c'mon.
Friend: You say no then no lo.

-Actually had a crush on that guy for a very long time.

Situation D
Me: Stupid bitch! Jiak sai la!
Friend: Who? Who?
Me: Neh, that ugly bitch la. Brainless c****.
Friend: Ya la. I know I know.
Me: So lack of attention then go find a boyfriend la. Crapping here for what? Stupid.
Friend: Aiya, she memang like that wan la.
Me: See her also want to slap her. Idiot.
*The next time I see her*
Me: Hi. :)

Situation E
Me: Oh my god next week exam?!!!
Friend: Ya la. You think what?
Me: I thought lagi ada 2 weeks. Oh my god I haven't even touch my books.
Friend: I also haven't ah.
Me: Aiya tomorrow la.
*That night*
Revises for 5 minutes then throws book aside*
*The next day*
Friend: Read edi?
Me: Oh shit! Haven't! Tonight la tonight. Pasti!
*A night before exam*
Me: @#$%@!#@ I HAVEN'T READ WTF.

-Then spends every single night hoping to cram 1 whole year's syllabus.

Situation F
Me: How much you got?
Friend: 60 nia. You?
Me: Aiya low la.

-Actually scored an A.

Situation G
Friend: How much?
Me: 78! Diu nia seng. You?
Friend: I 50 nia okay. Go die la you.
Me: But I left 2 marks then A lo walao.
Friend: I 50 LO OKAY. DIAM CAN A NOT?
*Friend walk away*
Me: .... *turns to another friend* You got how much?

-Actually wants to show off. I apologise,

Some friends, I'm not sure whether are they truly my friends a not. I don't have a true friend that I share secrets with. I don't go out with my friends a lot. I wonder a lot whether do I even have friends or not. I wonder if they're lying to me when they say they can't hang out with me. I wonder if my friends treat me as their friend. I wonder if they find me annoying or obnoxious. I wonder if they actually hates me to the core. I wonder if they actually talk bad about me behind my back. I wonder if when they look at me, would it make their day worse? All I'm really asking is, am I your friend?

Don't lie to me.

I admit what I am: a hypocrite, a liar, a person that judges others, a gossip-er, insecure, a procrastinator, a lazy ass, a vain bitch, a self-opinionated person. I think I'm more matured than my peers, but am I really? I think I can take it easy in my studies, but can I really? I think a lot of guys like me, but is it really? I think I have to live the moment and just let what will happen to happen, but can I really do this? I think I will live prosperous in my future, but will I really? I think I can go to a really great university and enjoy life as what I imagine college life would be, but will I really? I think my parents have sufficient money to send me overseas and extend my uni-life, but do they really? I think I can easily get what I want, but can I really?

I'm as naive, as matured, as innocent, as polluted: I'm me.

I talk bad about you, then greets you like nothing happened.
I procrastinate my work, because I believe I'll do it after.
I spend of my time in my bedroom, on my phone.
I tweet a lot of quotes that I think would get retweeted or favourite-d.
I stalk a person's profile when I want to.
I would rather keep refreshing my timeline instead of doing something benefiting.
I think twice before I want to post something on Facebook, and ended up not posting.
I care what others think.
I buy clothes that look good in the fitting room, and now they're rotting somewhere in my closet.
I eat fattening food and comforts myself that that's nothing.
I look at myself in the mirror and thinks, "I'm not that fat."
I want to be photogenic, but I can't seem to be.
I want to love and be loved.
I want that hot guy to come and kiss me right now.
I think I have the courage to play "Spin the Bottle".

I am a typical teenage girl that thinks I'm not typical.

I reminisce my past.
I listen to sad songs.
I sing to them.
I look at pictures from before.
I think back those memories.
My heart aches nonphysically.
I think that's depression.
I wish to be comforted.
I wish to be loved.

I wish to have freedom.
I wish I can drive.
I wish I could go out.
I wish my parents would let me walk to tuition.
I wish my parents listened to me.
I wish my parents do not ignore me.
I wish my parents understand me.
I wish my parents give me a lot of money as allowance.
I wish my parents let me go wherever I want.
I wish my parents let me do whatever I want.
I wish my parents don't argue.
I wish my parents don't get angry with me.
I wish my parents were more open-minded.
I wish my parents were richer and would live forever.
I wish my parents would never leave me, but at the same time leave me.

I still have a lot to say.
My train of thoughts is streaming endlessly.
But this is all for tonight.

I wish a lot, I hope a lot. I complain a lot, I judge a lot.
I am who I am.
I'm sorry.
This is me.